Dabbling

I haven’t been writing a ton lately, still. I was off to a decent start this month, until I bought 22 books and got really excited to start plowing my way through them. Add to that the renewed job hunt (OK, so that’s been going on like two days. It’s mostly that I’ve worked a lot of closing shifts, which means I don’t do anything but sleep and read for an hour or two before work), and I’ve got a pile of excuses to roll my eyes at.

After dabbling in fan fiction a little, I’ve set that aside because it was feeding into my obsession and continued sadness that I’d finished my show without realizing (and I still have a few weeks before more is available). However, I did start a new little short story project.

It’s very short, and it’s very silly. But it’s about a girl who is introducing her boyfriend to her friends. He’s supposed to come over for a small get together to meet them. It’s not until he arrives that he finds out she was telling him about her favorite books (which all happen to have movies as well, that wasn’t exactly planned, it just sort of happened as I was trying to think of my favorite fiction characters who would be reasonably well-known by the general public). While he was looking forward to meeting these people who could give him an insiders look at his girlfriend, she’s playing a little joke on him. However, if you really think about it, the kind of people from fiction that someone would choose to name as their best friends really does say a lot about them. And if you read the books (or even watch the movies), keeping in mind that someone relates to these characters, you can still learn new things about the person.

I’m not sure what I’ll do once I wrap this up.

I’m kicking around the idea of starting something new. I feel a strong urge and desire to write my own weird, darkish story set in a Pacific North West town, full of rain and pine trees (confession: the show I’ve been obsessed with is Riverdale. I know it’s probably not even set in the PNW, but it feels like it could be. And, since I’ve run out of episodes, I’ve returned to watching Twin Peaks, because it’s weird and I love it). I’m not 100 percent what the story will be, and it’ll definitely be heavily influenced by my current obsessions, but right now I’m not worried about writing a debut novel that will get picked up by some publishing house and become an overnight success.

I’m trying to remind myself why I love writing. Why I identify myself as a writer. Why creativity is so important, and if it can’t be my job, why I want to make sure I have time and energy for it.

I’m really burned out right now. Doing much more than existing takes monumental effort some days. Some things are within my control to change, and some aren’t. And some things fall somewhere in between (like a job. I can apply, but I can’t make anyone hire me, or even interview me). So I have to find life and energy somewhere. I have to find a way to turn off when I leave work, and re-energize the rest of my life. It’s a struggle. A daily one. And it’s not going to go away any time soon. But if all I write is a few sentences a week, I’ll call it a success. And I’ll keep calling it a success so that I don’t allow myself to give up on something that I know I love.

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